Not a confession but it is what it is.

So I've been losing the battle of the mind these last few weeks.... Thoughts concerning all the mistakes I've made in the past and on a daily basis plague my mind and cause me to seriously question my focus and drive. I know that God loves me but sometimes I slip up and think that there may be a chance (just for a second) that something I've done might actually cause God to rethink His choice in choosing me. I know that's foolish thinking since Romans 8:35 says "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?" Similarly Romans 8:38-39 says "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Having now found these verses I will use them whenever I question my self worth or when my actions cause me to question God's love for me.

I am so thankful that I have God's word to go to when I need it. I sometimes wonder how people in the world manage, its not that I'm not a weak person. I can endure alot of things (even if/when I complain) but I am stronger in HIM and there are times when I just know that I'm not strong enough to make things happen on my own and I need God's backing, favor, protection, etc. I know I'll look back on these blogs the next time I'm in doubt...but for now, I will continue to be encouraged and allow God's word to pacify my spirit.

Why I don't write

Complete sentences don't come easily
My thoughts are (at the moment) lost to me
Where do I begin?


Now that I sit down with my pen
To put into words the chaos within
The voices are silent


In the time it takes to quiet the storm
The passion that stirred me to write it gone
I'm left empty

The Journey Begins NOW...

The focus of a lot of ministers and Christian articles I've been reading recently are all focusing on the importance of renewing the mind. Romans 12:2 says "And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect will of God." Growing up, the task of keeping my mind pure seemed to be a lot easier; I went to Christian schools from K-6th grade, always went to church on Sunday with my family, and I didn't watch or listen to many secular media. People now aday find that extreme, but it worked for me. I switched to public school when I was in the 7th grade and although I continued to go to church and my parents continued to monitor the things I watched and listened to, the scope of influences that I was exposed to broadened. Now, I'm not saying all of this to imply that public school corrupted me or that the people I met there were all heathen, that would be judgmental and a lie. But the fact of the matter is I was introduced to a lot of other cultures, religions, etc. that I had not previously been introduced to before.

I'd accepted Christ when I was 7 years old, and was baptized shortly after and as young child there really wasn't that much in terms of really bad, sinful things that I could get into. As I got older that changed, I'm jumping ahead a bit but as a teenager and then young adult I didn't always make the best choices. I did things that satisfied me temporarily and instantly, I stepped out of God's will for my life. By the time I hit 22 I was ready to really rededicate myself to God. That didn't mean that I completely quit all of the bad things I'd picked up but a huge portion of my change came from making a conscious effort to remove certain things from my "line of vision" or my immediate circle. I didn't catch everything but I'm still working on it. Take my music for example... I try not to listen to a lot of the music that plays now because its mostly about sex or is filled with profanity. I try and curb what I watch for the same reasons I can't fill my mind with sex, and profane language (especially if these are areas I have trouble overcoming) and then expect to not have an issue with it. Another area where I need to work on renewing my mind is in the area of gossiping and criticising people. I keep prayng for wisdom in handling some of my relationships where I can just as easily lash out and speak on things out of anger instead of in love and thats just not right or helpful...

So I have a ways to go but I'm thankful that I still have the ability, resources and desire to renew my mind.

2009 Change Experience- MY 21 day Challenge

Today I begin my 21 day Challenge with Creflo Dollar Ministries. I'm pretty excited about going through this process. For a while now I've realized that there are areas in my life where I haven't let God in and as a result these areas suffer. Whether it's my financial lack, stunted spiritual life, or maintaining relationships that I either don't need to be in, or just being an ineffective Christian witness in the relationships I am in. I know God has so much more in store for me and not walking in His will for my life just leaves me feeling empty. There are times when staying in MY comfort zone feels good. But when I think of all the things I could be experiencing if I just let God take over, my "good times" outside of His will just don't cut it.

What I pray to take away from this challenge is a closer relationship with God, a better understanding of who I am in Christ, what God's will is for me in the 3 areas addressed by the challenge and finally a path to improve those areas that I can diligently maintain.

As I go through the challenge I'll make sure to post my observations. Thanks in advance for your prayers.

Monday, July 20, 2009

SO my boyfriend finally came to visit me at work after much kicking and screaming... -->

JUST KIDDING!!!

My boyfriend did come to visit me at work this past Monday. It was very much needed. I was really tired from the running around most of the weekend but the moment I saw him I felt so much better. He gave me this giant hug and kiss on the forehead and all my stress and exhaustion went away. I was wearing my sandals so I fit just comfortably under his chin. That’s my favorite place. =)

We went to subway on the Promenade and talked about this lady singing a sad song on such a beautiful day. We talked lanyards and how Dante planned to make his evil by putting metal beads on it and using it to hit random people across the street. We talked about his article on ThaO'show and how the issue of stereotypes is still prominent even in wrestling. I love that people think racism is over, and that minorities don't still have to deal with it.

After lunch we continued our walk, then hit up Pinkberry. Yes I wanted Oreos on the passion fruity "cold treat" but I bet it woulda tasted good. We settled on mango, blueberries and fruity pebbles, and while I watched Dante fight the ant twosome I enjoyed the sun and the cold from our meal and thought of how lucky I am to share the company of a very sweet boyfriend that came from West Hollywood to see me. Thanks again love!

July 14, 2009

So today was not one of my best days. I was given my "final notice" about making mistakes (more specifically in regard to this one client's case) but I think that may aslo apply to my general performance. For some reason I just cannot seem to focus. The moment I got the "notice" I started to react... my stomache started knotting up and I have this headache that even Extra Strength Tylonol can't fix. I'm sure blogging during the day can't possibly help... but the rest of my time is already taken up so I gotta use what time I have.


I keep so much inside and it frustrates me but I can't always vocalize it in ways that other people can understand and I end up more frustratded, when trying to relay my feelings, than when I just keep things inside. I think I might need to go to counseling again. I need to vent to someone who is completly unbiased.

I know that I could vent to God too... He always listens. It's kinda funny cause even as I'm writing this I'm feeling better. Sometimes I just need to remind myself that God's word is there not only as a reminder of how I should live me life but also as a reminder of God's love for me. As I continue to keep that in mind I forget about those things that bother me and conjest my mind. I know that at some point I'll have to address them. But for now I can keep thinking about Neh. 8:10 the latter part says "Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength."

Until the next time something negative tried to plauge my thoughts....

Hope this works...

So, this is my first time "blogging". I can't promise anything exciting but on occasion you may read something that is in my head that I haven't said out loud. A lil about me: I'm Guyanese American (my dad hates when I describe myelf that way casue it "doesn't seem like I acknowledge that I'm black"), a growing Christian woman, I recently turned 26 and I'm ready to start living my life in the present while continuing to set things in motion that will affect my future. I'm a college graduate (Thank God, and "take that!" to those counselors that said it wouldn't happen), a daughter, anolder sister, "twin/cuz" and girlfriend. All of these relationships make me very happy. My family is the most supportive family I know, the older ladies can be a lil critical at times but as we all get older either they becoem more tolerable or just easier to ignore =). I couldn't ask for a more supportive boyfriend, I thank God each day for putting him in my life and I pray that we'll continue to grow and develope along side each other. [xoxo babe]

There is more to me but I just wanted to see what it was like to actually blog... YEA 1 down how many more to go??!!?!?!?